Tools for Living: Personal Development 101

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Childbirth - a modern miracle

I'm a new grandfather.

Today's topic: Modern Miracles.

The dictionary says a miracle is "any amazing or wonderful occurrence."

As a kid I learned a lot about miracles that happened hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years ago. Usually they were caused by the actions of saints.

So I grew up thinking of a miracle as (1) something that was performed (2) by a religiously inspired person.

Today I look around my world and see that there are miracles everywhere. The whole universe is a miracle, with all those stars and planets and black holes, and light traveling billions of miles, and gravity holding stuff together. All miracles.

Flowers bloom with a richness and variety of colors that can hardly be imagined. A miracle.

We have eyes that take in light and transform it into pictures in our brains. A miracle.

Every dog, cat, beetle, and bird is a miracle.

These miracles are not things that are performed. These are things that are. You don't have to go buy them. You don't need to own them. They are right there. Just look.

These miracles don't need a jump-start from anybody. They exist without the slightest human intervention.

And right now I believe that the greatest of all miracle is the miracle of childbirth. It's a common thing, one that has been going on for ... well ... a pretty long time. Imagine that a whole new human enters the world. This miracle is way beyond our understanding, and is almost beyond our belief. It's an everyday event. It is the greatest event of all. For this I give thanks.

Alternating parent duty

If you're looking for a radical way to change your life as a parent, here it is.

Be careful. It is different, far out of the mainstream, radical, and perhaps downright weird. Fact is, it's one of the best things I've done in my life. Ever.

Here's the basic idea: Mom and Dad take turns being "on parent duty." Two weeks on. Two weeks off.

"Parent duty" includes doing all the things that a parent does, and making all the decisions that a parent makes. Details below.

A few years ago I lived in a typical American family: Mom, Dad, two kids. I still live in a typical family; its just that one of the kids grew up and left home.

We were typical in the sense that Dad (that would be me) worked outside the home, and Mom (that would be my wife) did most of her work at home.

Most importantly, the vast bulk of all the duties of parenting fell on Mom. Mom got the kids up in the morning, got them a breakfast, got them to school, got them home from school, shopped for the groceries, and made supper. She got a bit of help with the dinner dishes and taking out of the trash, but that's about all.

At the same time, Mom and Dad behaved like "equal parents."

If a kid needed a ride somewhere, either parent was a target. (Did I say "target"?)
If it was the day for handing out allowance, either parent's wallet was vulnerable. (Did I say "vulnerable"?)
If a kid wanted permission to see a movie, either parent was at risk. (Did I say "at risk"?)
If there was a need to go to the grocery store, either parent might have to. (Did I say "have to"?)

Oh, but weekends were really something. Take the simplest situation: On Saturday I wanted to leave the house for a few hours. What for? You name it. Go to the office and finish up some work. Go on a motorcycle ride. Walk downtown with my camera.

Felt guilty if I did. If I left for a few hours, then I felt guilty because I was leaving Mom totally alone with all the parent stuff.
Felt resentful if I didn't. If I stayed home, then I felt resentful that I wasn't somewhere else doing something else.
Definitely a lose-lose situation.

Alternating parent duty to the rescue. Here's what Mom and Dad invented.

We alternate having parent duty.
Two weeks on duty. Two weeks off duty.
Being on parent duty means I have all the duties of a parent: arranging dental appointments, handing out the allowance, granting or denying permission to go to a movie or to spend overnight at a friend's house. Our daughter knows she'll be wasting her time to ask the "off duty" parent. It means I do the grocery shopping, cook supper, and clean up.
Being off parent duty means Mom does all that stuff. It's just not my job. I can help if I want to, I can not help if I want to.

Now, come the weekend, and I want to be at the office or ride my bike - presto - no guilt if I do and no resentment if I don't. (Oh, yes, our daughter can't imagine doing things another way.)

Naturally, when Dad is on parent duty Mom has to let go of having all the duties done the way she would do them. When Mom is on duty Dad has to let go of having everything done his way. Give a little; gain a lot.

Will this catch on in the rest of the world? I doubt it. It's too radical.

Perhaps there is some other change in the way you do things that might be considered radical, and it would be just perfect for you. Try it.

No buts about it

Yes, but . . . .

If you want to improve your likeability score with everyone around you, just stop using the word "but."

When someone comes to you with a question or an idea, do you hear yourself saying:

Yes, but if we do that . . ..
Yes, but the reason we don't . . ..
Yes, but it would take . . ..
Yes, but have you thought of . . ..

Yuck. What a turnoff.

Rumor has it that at the Sarah Lee company the bigwigs go around wearing buttons with a big slash through the word "but." Can't use that word there. (Source: "The Big Moo," edited by Seth Gordon.)

Yes, but it's a hard habit to break.

Yes, and it's a good idea.

Help yourself first

Yes, help yourself first. Do not start by helping others. Start by helping yourself.

We are all helpers.

You make your living helping others. This is true whether you are a doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, CEO, secretary, bricklayer, or programmer. It is true whether you work for yourself, for a large or small company, or for the government.

If you don't help others, you lose your job. If your company or government agency does not help others, it will be gone in five years.

You help others at home. If you are father, mother, daughter, or son, it does not matter. You help others.

Whenever I go on a plane trip, I listen to the person giving the safety advice. One thing she says stands out:

If the oxygen masks drop down, put your own mask on first, and then help the person next to you.

Why does she say that? It's simple. You can't help someone else unless you help yourself first.

Keep yourself in good health.
Nourish your spirit.
Read a book you like; see your favorite kind of movie
Do things that make you happy

Then you will be able to help others, better, longer, and with more joy.

You also will be an example to others, so they will be happier too.

Complaining goes nowhere

Do you complain?
Do you like to complain?
I'm going to tell you to stop complaining. Stop right now.

And hear this: Successful people are not complainers.

There's plenty to complain about:

Your boss.
Your spouse.
Your kids.
The government.
The weather.
The greedy driver that took your parking place.
The rude clerk at the store.
The price of gasoline.
Having your favorite TV program preempted.
The people at the office that gossip all day.
Hey, I bet you complain about stuff I never thought of.

Just sit still for a couple minutes and think what good comes from all this complaining. None. It gets you absolutely nowhere.

After you've done your complaining, whatever you complained about is still there. Nothing has changed.

You have totally wasted your time because nothing has changed. And you have totally bored whoever had to listen to your whimpering and whining.

If you really want to change something so you'll be happier, and everyone around you will be happier, then simply stop complaining.

For one day, just one day, do not complain. Not even once. Not about anything.

At the end of that day, I guarantee you that you will feel better and you'll be a more likeable person.

How about you?

Do you complain, gripe, whine, or grumble?
Can you think of one thing you actually gain by complaining?
Can you get through just one day without complaining?
Now that feels better. So try it for one more day.

Gratitude

Gratitude is one of the keys to my own personal development.

I have to confess that it has not always been so. Over twenty years ago I went to my first AA meeting in Seattle and the topic for the day was gratitude. I recall one man who actually had been sleeping under a bridge and he said he was grateful that he was allowed to sleep on someone else's couch. I simply failed to grasp the concept.

One day someone suggested to me that I make a gratitude list - simply write down all the things I was grateful for. That was pretty easy for me. All I could think of was that I had warm water for my morning shower. I was a slow learner.

Today I practically live on gratitude.

I don't have a written gratitude list today because it would take the rest of my life to finish it. It would start with: Being alive, a loving family, a warm bed and a roof over my head, an income, trees that change their colors, birds that sing to me, the moon always changing, sunshine, rain, being able to see, books, grass, flowers. It's truly endless.

I'm a bit selfish. Gratitude makes me feel good. I'm grateful that I'm grateful.

I can be grateful for the store clerk who takes my money, and for the sheriff deputy in Skagit County Washington who stopped me for speeding. Or I can be resentful and angry. I choose to be grateful. To repeat: It makes me feel good.

The positive energy from being grateful makes me happy, makes me feel connected to all people and all things. It gives me a more cheerful outlook. I work better, play better, sleep better.