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Alternating parent duty

If you're looking for a radical way to change your life as a parent, here it is.

Be careful. It is different, far out of the mainstream, radical, and perhaps downright weird. Fact is, it's one of the best things I've done in my life. Ever.

Here's the basic idea: Mom and Dad take turns being "on parent duty." Two weeks on. Two weeks off.

"Parent duty" includes doing all the things that a parent does, and making all the decisions that a parent makes. Details below.

A few years ago I lived in a typical American family: Mom, Dad, two kids. I still live in a typical family; its just that one of the kids grew up and left home.

We were typical in the sense that Dad (that would be me) worked outside the home, and Mom (that would be my wife) did most of her work at home.

Most importantly, the vast bulk of all the duties of parenting fell on Mom. Mom got the kids up in the morning, got them a breakfast, got them to school, got them home from school, shopped for the groceries, and made supper. She got a bit of help with the dinner dishes and taking out of the trash, but that's about all.

At the same time, Mom and Dad behaved like "equal parents."

• If a kid needed a ride somewhere, either parent was a target. (Did I say "target"?)
• If it was the day for handing out allowance, either parent's wallet was vulnerable. (Did I say "vulnerable"?)
• If a kid wanted permission to see a movie, either parent was at risk. (Did I say "at risk"?)
• If there was a need to go to the grocery store, either parent might have to. (Did I say "have to"?)

Oh, but weekends were really something. Take the simplest situation: On Saturday I wanted to leave the house for a few hours. What for? You name it. Go to the office and finish up some work. Go on a motorcycle ride. Walk downtown with my camera.

• Felt guilty if I did. If I left for a few hours, then I felt guilty because I was leaving Mom totally alone with all the parent stuff.
• Felt resentful if I didn't. If I stayed home, then I felt resentful that I wasn't somewhere else doing something else.
• Definitely a lose-lose situation.

Alternating parent duty to the rescue. Here's what Mom and Dad invented.

• We alternate having parent duty.
• Two weeks on duty. Two weeks off duty.
• Being on parent duty means I have all the duties of a parent: arranging dental appointments, handing out the allowance, granting or denying permission to go to a movie or to spend overnight at a friend's house. Our daughter knows she'll be wasting her time to ask the "off duty" parent. It means I do the grocery shopping, cook supper, and clean up.
• Being off parent duty means Mom does all that stuff. It's just not my job. I can help if I want to, I can not help if I want to.

Now, come the weekend, and I want to be at the office or ride my bike - presto - no guilt if I do and no resentment if I don't. (Oh, yes, our daughter can't imagine doing things another way.)

Naturally, when Dad is on parent duty Mom has to let go of having all the duties done the way she would do them. When Mom is on duty Dad has to let go of having everything done his way. Give a little; gain a lot.

Will this catch on in the rest of the world? I doubt it. It's too radical.

Perhaps there is some other change in the way you do things that might be considered radical, and it would be just perfect for you. Try it.

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Ross Runkel, Post Office Box 1031, Salem, Oregon 97308-1031.
Phone 503-399-8028.  Fax 503-566-8844.  email Ross@LawMemo.Com